Wow! It's been a loonnnnnng friggin time since I've posted on my own stinkin' blog. Well hey sorry for having a life and school and whatever, but now that summer's here, all that's gone away, leaving me lots of time to rant online. And I will start with this:
They Call It “Babysitting” For A Reason
And I’m going to tell you what it is (obviously).
Last month or so, I endured the most intense babysitting job of my life. I was going to simply narrate a sequence of my adventures, but then I realized that it would probably be more useful to you if I gave you the strategies I used to survive.
- Be The Good Cop. You are the BABYSITTER, not the parents. Avoid absolute anarchy (if possible) by setting some guidelines and learning when to say “no”, but feel free to bend a few rules, learn which ones are completely unnecessary and which ones are inflexible, and when to put your foot down. Learn to say “no” with firmness but not authoritarianism. Chances are, the parent(s) will give you some rules before they leave, and these are usually the ones you should follow as closely as possible, but see above for situations they haven’t mentioned.
- Walk A Mile In Their Tiny, Barbie-or-Spiderman Light-Up Shoes. Be a kid again. Use your imagination. Be free, be crazy, be random, have fun. Make funny faces, scary noises, and weird accents. Have tickle fights and piggy-back rides and games of hide-and-seek. But be sure to keep a portion of your brain mature enough to handle a situation that requires said maturity.
- Impress Them. Are you a star athlete? Do you play electric guitar? Have you been in a play? Do you have a black (or any color) belt in taekwondo(sp)? Bring it up (with subtlety, and in a fitting context). If they think you are cool, they will respect you that much more. It doesn’t even have to be that audacious. Wicked video game skills or the ability to ride your bike all the way to school and back will still earn you plenty of “WOW!”s, respect, and an extra bit of self-confidence when your peers just don’t understand how awesome you are that day (and every day, of course).
- Keep Your Adrenaline UP. This applies particularly to psychotic, sugar-addicted, undisciplined little demons such as my most recent ones. You WILL be exhausted by the time the parents get home. The trick is not to let it happen before then. If you can wear the kids out before they do so to you, then you’re golden. Babysitting is psychological warfare, and adrenaline helps make your brain, body, and reflexes fast and strong enough to handle it all.
- Have Long-ish Fingernails And Strong Hands, Or At Least A Strong Will. It is GUARANTEED that they will A. grab something they’re not supposed to have and run off with it, B. start physically fighting with their sibling(s) or you, and/or C. cling to a piece of furniture or the like and not let go in order to avoid doing a chore or something. As stated in #4, you need good reflexes, but also the strength to overtake them if things get out of control. This sounds kind of ridiculous (“I’m several years older than they are, why would I have trouble with this?” They’re stronger than they look, believe me). For A., catch up to them, grab the object with your opposite hand, then grab their empty wrist (so that they don’t move the object from one hand to the other). Simply hold and pull until they give up and let go. If necessary, hold the object up as high as you can, then squeeze the wrist of their hand that is holding the object, gently at first and gradually apply pressure until they let go. Try not to resort to using your fingernails unless they’re your sibling (I didn’t!). For B, get in between them and hold them away from each other. You may have to pick one of them up if this doesn’t work at first. For C, follow the directions for A, although you will probably have to resort to the wrist-squeezing earlier on.
- Walk The Line. If they get into a fight, try getting them to talk it out with one another like civil human beings. This will be unsuccessful. Once it is, and one or both have stormed off to their respective quarters, talk to each of them in turn and explain why someone was in the right and someone was in the wrong and why. Don’t accuse, make SURE that you have all your facts straight, and be fair to everybody. Give hugs if somebody starts to cry. You’re the “adult”, you have the negotiation skills.
- Make Semi-Empty Threats. This sounds completely horrible but it isn’t. When I say “threats” I mean things like “Okay, well, you guys can go play in the mud, but I guess that means you can’t come inside ever again”. They WORK, incredibly well. “Semi-Empty” means that sometimes, if you ignore the threat, then you’re going to have to follow through with it to show them that you mean it. For example, not finishing your vegetables means no ice cream. And that’s that. When they’re done with their pizza but the green beans are sitting there untouched, and they’re BEGGING you, PLEASE, can we catch the ice cream truck, the answer is no. Tough luck, kiddos. But if you finish your green beans now, we’ll make cookies later. No, you can’t get ice cream now and eat the vegetables later, you had your chance and you blew it. You’re lucky I’m offering the cookies. Take it or leave it.
